Losing my Dad

I’m filled with so many emotions tonight and what better way to write them down than to update my family blog. By now, everyone should know that social media is not an accurate depiction of someone’s whole life. I personally love sharing fun adventures and vacations because that’s what I like to see from others when I scroll. In fact, even my blog is overwhelmingly positive compared to the hard parts of life. Who wants to read stuff that’s such a downer? I don’t want to appear as some attention seeker and like “woe is me” because it’s not “woe is me.” Yeah, life is hard sometimes but I find it way more fun to read things that are uplifting so that’s predominantly what I write. Until today...let’s just break it down for a minute and let out the hard stuff. Get your tissues ready...

Many of you know that the last few weeks have been really hard for mine and my husband’s families between losing his mom and losing my dad. I’ve been staying in Minnesota the last few weeks to help my mom take care of a few things and after I work, I play and post the fun pics on social media. But the REALITY is I’ve been so busy. My mom and I have had a lot to do financially and otherwise. That kind of stuff is stressful but needs to be done and we’ve made good progress. I’m confident it’s even great progress! The other part of reality is I haven’t slept. My baby who slept through the night at home is now waking at least three times a night while away and my husband is back at work in Texas so I have no one to split shifts with. My older kids fight me every nap and bedtime. I don’t think I’ve yelled at my kids so much in my life as I have the last few weeks.  And if I’m not sleeping because of the children, then I’m not sleeping because my mind is out of control. All I can do is think about my dad and what he went through and if he’s ok. I have unanswered questions that really there’s no point in knowing but they still keep me up at night. My faith tells me he’s fine and him going quickly was the best way for him to go as he’s suffered enough in his lifetime. But it’s all still so hard. He’s the closest person to me I’ve ever lost and it’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot to think about what really happened and where he is now. It’s even overwhelming as it’s something we can’t really imagine until we die so no one can really tell us what it’s like while here on earth. 

I’m also still struggling with my grief and how I feel which I’m sure is normal. Some days I’m so sad and I miss him and other days I feel like even before he passed, he was already gone. So much of his life was taken from him by MS and even our relationship whittled down to just visits in the nursing home that lacked substance. That’s not entirely true, even when I could no longer talk to my dad often because of his inability to use the phone and me living in another state, I have always felt that we had a special bond. His vocal chords slowly faded and his speech became quite faint over the years but I always felt like I could figure out what he was trying to say or even read his mind a little. My mom got used to answering for him over the years and I was always the one to say “let him try” because I felt confident I’d figure it out and I wanted him to use each and every one of his muscles and parts of his nervous system for as long as he could. 

I’ve always loved bringing my newborn babies to meet my dad. This past year, Elle was born in Texas. I had such a strong feeling that we needed to bring her to meet my dad in Minnesota ASAP. We had a trip planned for spring break to go see him but at that same time, my husband’s mom went on hospice so of course we wanted and needed to see her too. We debated pushing our trip to my dad off until the summer but I couldn’t do it. I felt so strongly that I couldn’t do it. So we pulled some strings and found a way to go to Louisiana to see my mother in law and to Minnesota to see my dad. It was a shorter trip and a longer drive but we made it all work and I’m so grateful my husband helped me drive and helped us make a plan to see them both the same week! We had no idea what the future just two months later held for both our families, but I think God did and he took care of us at that time.

I think sharing a little about my dad’s life will help me feel better tonight. Especially with Father’s day being tomorrow. For those who did not attend the funeral, here are the words I shared about his life. Before that though, let me say thank you to everyone that has supported us the last month. The funeral service was more beautiful than I imagined and some of the most inspiring and uplifting words were shared. I’m sure my dad was so pleased at the way we saw him in this life. Here is what I said that day:

“Before I begin, I just want to give a sincere thank you to everyone that helped with arrangements today, helped watch my kids and anything else my family has needed this week. Thank you.

As I’ve reflected on the life of my father and my memories with him, two attributes come to mind and those are his intelligence and his politeness.

If you’ve read my dad’s obituary or even just listening to my uncle talk a few minutes ago, you’ll realize that my dad was basically a genius. From being valedictorian in high school to his Masters in Computer Science to even writing research papers on the treatments of MS when he was able. Sometimes I think he could’ve been part of finding the cure if MS didn’t take him first.

But what I remember personally about his intelligence was him helping me with my math homework in school. It was a bittersweet situation. He could always help me, he would simply look at the problem or I would read it to him and he would tell me the answer. And there was never a doubt if it was correct, it always was. It didn’t even matter the subject, geometry, algebra, whatever, he just got it. The problem with this is if you’ve ever been a teacher, gone to school lately or had to help your kids with their homework, you know you have to show your work! My dad could never show the work using the methods we were taught in school. He just knew the answer. So sadly I could never use his answers because if I couldn’t show the work of how I got it, it wasn’t going to count. Even years after him entering the nursing home, I’d show up to visit him with my calculator in hand and ask him random Math problems and he still got them right.

Possibly the most important thing about My dad was that he was one of the most positive and polite people to walk this earth. He had catch phrases including “thank you mam,” “how are you today sir?” And “Thank you profusely.” Anyone who worked at his nursing home will tell you this about him. He was also so positive. Out of everything he went through day in and day out including all of his sickness, if you asked how he was doing, he’d say “darn near perfect.” But he always used a little more colorful word than “darn.” I was able to FaceTime with my dad shortly before he passed but was no longer responsive. I even felt in that moment if I asked him “how are you?” he still would have said darn near perfect if he could’ve responded. One of the greatest compliments I get is when people tell me how happy or positive I am because I know that comes from him.

So this week as I’ve been mentally gathering memories of my dad, I found the most fitting quote that applies to both his intelligence and his politeness. I actually saw it in a restaurant on my way driving up here from Texas and had to take a picture of it. It said:

“When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.” I feel like that very well sums up what I feel about him.

Along with all my memories, of course I watched the progression of his disease. I saw my dad begin to use a cane then a walker then a wheelchair, and the list goes on. I was devastated and angry when he moved into the nursing home but I know they gave him the care that we no longer could. In later years, his disease progressed to him losing the ability to move his arms much and the loss of his vocal chord muscles that his speech became very faint. But one of the greatest blessings of all that I can remember is when I’d bring my newborn babies to meet him. When I’d ask if he wanted to hold them, he was able to lift his arms up and reach for them. That wasn’t normal and that was a miracle.

My husband actually just lost his mom a month ago, three weeks to to the day before losing my dad. A friend jokingly said to me, “maybe Jesus’ mom told my dad how great it was up there so he could join her.” Did his mom really talk to my dad? Probably not, they didn’t know each other that well but is it great up there, there’s not a doubt in my mind. My dad is free. He’s free from that body and I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling besides so much joy and so much relief. It’s hard for us to have to miss him but nothing beats what he’s going through, nothing beats the happiness that my dad must be living right now. And it’s real. These aren’t just things you say at a funeral to make people feel better about losing their loved ones. It’s a real thing that there is an afterlife and our loved ones are ok, even better than ok!

“There’s a scripture on your program from the Book of Mormon that reads The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.”

Can you imagine anything better for my dad?

One of my favorite childhood memories is my dad racing with me in front of our apartments as a child. I love having a memory of him running when he couldn’t walk for so long. Right now racing is my kids most favorite thing to do and I literally imagine the day in heaven when they can finally race my dad. And me too, I’ll race too.

Again I thank you all for being here and say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”