Losing my Dad

I’m filled with so many emotions tonight and what better way to write them down than to update my family blog. By now, everyone should know that social media is not an accurate depiction of someone’s whole life. I personally love sharing fun adventures and vacations because that’s what I like to see from others when I scroll. In fact, even my blog is overwhelmingly positive compared to the hard parts of life. Who wants to read stuff that’s such a downer? I don’t want to appear as some attention seeker and like “woe is me” because it’s not “woe is me.” Yeah, life is hard sometimes but I find it way more fun to read things that are uplifting so that’s predominantly what I write. Until today...let’s just break it down for a minute and let out the hard stuff. Get your tissues ready...

Many of you know that the last few weeks have been really hard for mine and my husband’s families between losing his mom and losing my dad. I’ve been staying in Minnesota the last few weeks to help my mom take care of a few things and after I work, I play and post the fun pics on social media. But the REALITY is I’ve been so busy. My mom and I have had a lot to do financially and otherwise. That kind of stuff is stressful but needs to be done and we’ve made good progress. I’m confident it’s even great progress! The other part of reality is I haven’t slept. My baby who slept through the night at home is now waking at least three times a night while away and my husband is back at work in Texas so I have no one to split shifts with. My older kids fight me every nap and bedtime. I don’t think I’ve yelled at my kids so much in my life as I have the last few weeks.  And if I’m not sleeping because of the children, then I’m not sleeping because my mind is out of control. All I can do is think about my dad and what he went through and if he’s ok. I have unanswered questions that really there’s no point in knowing but they still keep me up at night. My faith tells me he’s fine and him going quickly was the best way for him to go as he’s suffered enough in his lifetime. But it’s all still so hard. He’s the closest person to me I’ve ever lost and it’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot to think about what really happened and where he is now. It’s even overwhelming as it’s something we can’t really imagine until we die so no one can really tell us what it’s like while here on earth. 

I’m also still struggling with my grief and how I feel which I’m sure is normal. Some days I’m so sad and I miss him and other days I feel like even before he passed, he was already gone. So much of his life was taken from him by MS and even our relationship whittled down to just visits in the nursing home that lacked substance. That’s not entirely true, even when I could no longer talk to my dad often because of his inability to use the phone and me living in another state, I have always felt that we had a special bond. His vocal chords slowly faded and his speech became quite faint over the years but I always felt like I could figure out what he was trying to say or even read his mind a little. My mom got used to answering for him over the years and I was always the one to say “let him try” because I felt confident I’d figure it out and I wanted him to use each and every one of his muscles and parts of his nervous system for as long as he could. 

I’ve always loved bringing my newborn babies to meet my dad. This past year, Elle was born in Texas. I had such a strong feeling that we needed to bring her to meet my dad in Minnesota ASAP. We had a trip planned for spring break to go see him but at that same time, my husband’s mom went on hospice so of course we wanted and needed to see her too. We debated pushing our trip to my dad off until the summer but I couldn’t do it. I felt so strongly that I couldn’t do it. So we pulled some strings and found a way to go to Louisiana to see my mother in law and to Minnesota to see my dad. It was a shorter trip and a longer drive but we made it all work and I’m so grateful my husband helped me drive and helped us make a plan to see them both the same week! We had no idea what the future just two months later held for both our families, but I think God did and he took care of us at that time.

I think sharing a little about my dad’s life will help me feel better tonight. Especially with Father’s day being tomorrow. For those who did not attend the funeral, here are the words I shared about his life. Before that though, let me say thank you to everyone that has supported us the last month. The funeral service was more beautiful than I imagined and some of the most inspiring and uplifting words were shared. I’m sure my dad was so pleased at the way we saw him in this life. Here is what I said that day:

“Before I begin, I just want to give a sincere thank you to everyone that helped with arrangements today, helped watch my kids and anything else my family has needed this week. Thank you.

As I’ve reflected on the life of my father and my memories with him, two attributes come to mind and those are his intelligence and his politeness.

If you’ve read my dad’s obituary or even just listening to my uncle talk a few minutes ago, you’ll realize that my dad was basically a genius. From being valedictorian in high school to his Masters in Computer Science to even writing research papers on the treatments of MS when he was able. Sometimes I think he could’ve been part of finding the cure if MS didn’t take him first.

But what I remember personally about his intelligence was him helping me with my math homework in school. It was a bittersweet situation. He could always help me, he would simply look at the problem or I would read it to him and he would tell me the answer. And there was never a doubt if it was correct, it always was. It didn’t even matter the subject, geometry, algebra, whatever, he just got it. The problem with this is if you’ve ever been a teacher, gone to school lately or had to help your kids with their homework, you know you have to show your work! My dad could never show the work using the methods we were taught in school. He just knew the answer. So sadly I could never use his answers because if I couldn’t show the work of how I got it, it wasn’t going to count. Even years after him entering the nursing home, I’d show up to visit him with my calculator in hand and ask him random Math problems and he still got them right.

Possibly the most important thing about My dad was that he was one of the most positive and polite people to walk this earth. He had catch phrases including “thank you mam,” “how are you today sir?” And “Thank you profusely.” Anyone who worked at his nursing home will tell you this about him. He was also so positive. Out of everything he went through day in and day out including all of his sickness, if you asked how he was doing, he’d say “darn near perfect.” But he always used a little more colorful word than “darn.” I was able to FaceTime with my dad shortly before he passed but was no longer responsive. I even felt in that moment if I asked him “how are you?” he still would have said darn near perfect if he could’ve responded. One of the greatest compliments I get is when people tell me how happy or positive I am because I know that comes from him.

So this week as I’ve been mentally gathering memories of my dad, I found the most fitting quote that applies to both his intelligence and his politeness. I actually saw it in a restaurant on my way driving up here from Texas and had to take a picture of it. It said:

“When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.” I feel like that very well sums up what I feel about him.

Along with all my memories, of course I watched the progression of his disease. I saw my dad begin to use a cane then a walker then a wheelchair, and the list goes on. I was devastated and angry when he moved into the nursing home but I know they gave him the care that we no longer could. In later years, his disease progressed to him losing the ability to move his arms much and the loss of his vocal chord muscles that his speech became very faint. But one of the greatest blessings of all that I can remember is when I’d bring my newborn babies to meet him. When I’d ask if he wanted to hold them, he was able to lift his arms up and reach for them. That wasn’t normal and that was a miracle.

My husband actually just lost his mom a month ago, three weeks to to the day before losing my dad. A friend jokingly said to me, “maybe Jesus’ mom told my dad how great it was up there so he could join her.” Did his mom really talk to my dad? Probably not, they didn’t know each other that well but is it great up there, there’s not a doubt in my mind. My dad is free. He’s free from that body and I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling besides so much joy and so much relief. It’s hard for us to have to miss him but nothing beats what he’s going through, nothing beats the happiness that my dad must be living right now. And it’s real. These aren’t just things you say at a funeral to make people feel better about losing their loved ones. It’s a real thing that there is an afterlife and our loved ones are ok, even better than ok!

“There’s a scripture on your program from the Book of Mormon that reads The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.”

Can you imagine anything better for my dad?

One of my favorite childhood memories is my dad racing with me in front of our apartments as a child. I love having a memory of him running when he couldn’t walk for so long. Right now racing is my kids most favorite thing to do and I literally imagine the day in heaven when they can finally race my dad. And me too, I’ll race too.

Again I thank you all for being here and say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Weekend in Houston for Hurricane Harvey Relief

If you haven't heard of the incredible relief efforts put forth by The Church of Jesus Chris of Latter Day Saints every time there is a natural disaster, let me assure you, their efforts are large.  Members of our community were invited to Houston this past weekend to help clean up the devastation from Hurricane Harvey.  While there were about 30 people just from our neighborhood congregation, there were hundreds from throughout the state who all gave of their time to help out and there will be more weekends like this.  You can read about the organization, Mormon Helping Hands, to see about what they do around the entire world here.


So Jesus and I decided to go too!  Jesus has some generous family in Houston who we could stay with and even watch our kids while we worked.  The night before leaving however, we got our assignment that we would be gutting houses, removing destroyed furniture, pulling flooded installation from the walls, etc. and I realized it wasn't a good activity for a pregnant lady like myself.  So while Jesus did the manual labor, his aunt and I hit the grocery store to make sandwiches for the volunteers so I at least could do something.


When I asked Jesus about his experience and what he saw there, he summed it up with the word "destruction." He told me that you could see the water line against the walls in the homes to where the water would have reached his knees.  He told me about every destroyed couch that they carried to the curb for disposal being soaked and still full of water making it many times heavier than normal. 


Here are the photos of what we saw on the streets all over Houston, of people that lost so much and will now take so long to rebuild.  Jesus also told me of a great community spirit as the home owners still had strength to joke around about what they had gone through and at least had all of their neighbors in the same situation all working together.

We also arrived in Houston a day early so we took Jesus's aunt and uncle to NASA! It was his uncle's life-long dream and we had never been. The best word I have for touring here is "fascinating." Because of the hurricane, they cut admission prices in half, had free parking and proceeds from admission went to Hurricane Relief. 

A 747 carrying a space shuttle

Riding the tram for the tour to see Mission control, where they build and the actual buildings where employees and astronauts work.

Joaquin and I touching a moon rock

My little pilots

Mission control

Later in the weekend, Jesus's cousins, Karen and Uki, took us to their favorite spot for frozen custard in Houston and you can't pass that up.  Apple pie sundae anyone?  We are also so grateful to these two for letting us have their apartment for the weekend while they stayed with their parents.  Talk about a hook up!

My last little story from our weekend speaks to the "joy" of being a mom.  The day that Jesus went to help with the hurricane, was the day I finally decided to take KJ to the doctor.  She had been battling a cold for a few days but when she lost her voice, coughed like a seal all night and started wheezing, it was time to bring her in!  She has a virus and croup (the seal-like cough) so they gave her a steroid and a breathing treatment to get her wheezing to stop.  We had to stay at the doctor for two hours for observation to make sure it worked and it did!  We are home now and she's still sick but she seems much better.  Now Joaquin has begun that rough sounding cough and I hope this virus leaves our little family soon!  Both kids are happily tucked in their beds for the night and we will pray for a heathier week!  But first, look how cute she is during her little breathing treatment.





First week of school and Labor Day weekend!

Joaquin started school a couple weeks ago!  He's in Pre-K which I totally expected to be a few days a week but nope, we found a program that's Monday-Friday in a real full time elementary school!  Here's a pro mom tip for ya...Have you heard of Head Start?  Do you know about the pre-school programs that are all day but you have to qualify by low income or different requirements?  Turns out some districts have to keep their classes full in order to keep receiving funding even if you don't qualify.  The district I live in doesn't do this but Fort Worth does and that's just 20 minutes away!  I called Fort Worth ISD and spoke directly to the early childhood office and they said yes, this was indeed true.  I had to wait until a certain deadline passed for all those who qualified to register first and if there were still openings, anyone could get in!  Did I mention it's free?!  There were still openings so we did it.  Joaquin is a full time school student!  I was so nervous because I didn't expect him to leave me full time until next year for kindergarten and I didn't know if he would be sad our what it would be like.  Turns out he is the bravest, most mature little kid and has been loving it!  His teacher already said he is one of her leaders and I already saw him being line leader for their class last week.  Now my only hope is that he can always be a good kid throughout his school career but this is just pre-k and I know that's not reality.  It's possible though so I will keep encouraging his leadership skills the best I can!  At home behavior is another story but if he is behaving at school and loving it, I can handle his issues at home!  I'm just so happy he is loving it so far.

First day!

I've also been having a great experience with KJ, my two year old, at home by herself.  I feel like I am getting to know her personality even more now that we have one on one time.  I'm hearing her talk more and even have conversations with me.  I feel like we're bonding and while I was worried how much she'd miss her brother, she is seeming to enjoy this time with her mommy.  We only have a few months together until she gets a baby sibling so I'm soaking it up!

I've also started water aerobics three days a week.  This is the best thing I've ever done while pregnant!  I end up in quite a bit of back pain and even some leg pain while pregnant but since starting my class, my pain has greatly reduced!  I don't know if the water aerobics is causing this but it's the only real lifestyle change I've made.  My real back pain doesn't kick in until the third trimester so we will see if water aerobics helps keep it at bay.  In fact, I'm starting my third trimester today!

Took this last week some time and I already feel bigger!

Labor Day Weekend:  Earlier this year Jesus took a nice long week off work around Labor Day and we were planning an exciting family trip to Hawaii or New York or somewhere cool!  Then we got pregnant and decided Jesus could save some of those days off to be with new baby when he or she is born and we could save that money to pay our high deductible insurance and buy things for the baby so we cancelled our plans.  Turns out even though I have two kids, I have purged a lot from moving so much so we still have quite a bit to buy for the baby this time around. Our back up plan was a long weekend to San Antonio to stay in a hotel on the famous river walk.  Local, cheaper, less days off work and still a family vacation!  And then there was a devastating hurricane.  While San Antonio wasn't affected much, the day we were supposed to leave was the day everyone went into a gas frenzy and started saying there was no gas around Texas because some of the oil refineries in Houston had to close.  Now whether or not there really was a gas shortage didn't change the fact that stations around our home and around San Antonio had run out.  Stations that hadn't run out had jacked up their prices.  We didn't want to risk dealing with that on a road trip, not being from here and knowing what the weekend would hold, so we cancelled our plans again.  Then my lucky husband found a deal for a night at the Great Wolf Lodge for only $169.  If you've ever tried to book there, you know that if you see it for under $200, you should take it!

They have several Great Wolf Lodges throughout the country but this one is here just 45 minutes away from us.  It's a great waterpark/hotel with tons of kids activities and the perfect family spot for little ones.  Super convenient and fun!

No fear in the wave pool for these 2!

I love a hotel breakfast buffet and I love biscuits and gravy

Turning my little girl into a Princess!

In addition to our night at the Great Wolf lodge, we took it easy throughout the long weekend exploring Dallas and Fort Worth while enjoying some time off from our daily responsibilities at home/work/school.  It was a lovely long weekend with just enough activities to keep it exciting but not too much to keep us exhausted.  We've all fallen back into our routines today.

Lunch at one of our favorite sushi spots in Dallas...again!

Trying some new Asian dessert bakery

Chilling in our favorite Dallas neighborhood with all the Asian restaurants above

Excellent Puerto Rican place outside Dallas

Miniature train ride along Trinity River in Fort Worth

I'm the lucky one.

Grandma Jane does Fort Worth

Mom came to town and we hit the town. I just want to say how much my kids sure do love grandma! And the fact that they could play with her to give me a break was even better!

I don't actually live in Fort With, I live just South of it in a town called Burleson.  We began mom's vacation at Babe's Chicken House in our little Downton area.  This place seems to be famous around the DFW area and it's sister restaurant is Bubba Cook's Country in Dallas, where I'll never forget getting drive-thru biscuits and gravy! It was fun to see it's counter part here in the Fort Worth area.  It's all family style, with quirky chicken decor, and a true southern menu specializing in fried chicken.  You may have heard of Texas BBQ but did you know Texas also has a million fried chicken places?

The next day was the most exciting when we drove an hour to Waco to see Magnolia Market and the sights of HGTV's Fixer Upper.  It was my second time here and I just love this little place.  The bakery is amazing, it's surrounded by food trucks and has a huge open ground for running and playing with balls and outdoor games provided. The best part of this trip was meeting up with my mom's cousin who she hadn't seen in over 40 years.  She lives a few hours from me here in Texas.  Her dad (my great uncle) also came along and he's one fit and spirited 90 something year old!  I can only hope in stay in good health that long! These two family members were just the nicest and I'm so happy I got to know them better!

On Saturday, my baby girl turned 2 and that was the real reason for mom's visit! We threw an adorable Minnie Mouse birthday party with the help of these cookies from The Frosted Pearl bakery! 

Other highlights of mom's trip included pedicures, tacos and a visit to the Fort Worth Water Gardens.

Our final day was spent in my favorite place, so far, in all of Fort Worth, Sundance Square.  It's a beautiful square in the downtown lined with shops and restaurants with a large fountain show in the middle.  I'm still a city girl and sometimes I feel like I'm living in the country, even though it's more suburban than country in my neighborhood.  The country life is just so close!  But the city is also just 20 minutes away thankfully and worth going to every time!  Little known fact, Fort Worth has an incredibly clean downtown.  I don't know how they do it but it's noticeably different than other city's downtown Jesus or I have seen.  It's a beautiful city landscape, more modern than the country, but still has enough people wearing their boots and cowboy hats. It's like a perfect Texas mix and I love coming here!

Thanks for visiting us mom, and we can't wait to have you back!  But maybe I'll beat you by getting back to Minnesota first!