Today as Jesus, Joaquin and I were driving around Jesus asked me if I miss being at work? I quickly responded no and then felt a bit of guilt because it's not that I don't enjoy the families I work with. And if my coworkers are reading, of course I miss you! I think I just enjoy being a mom so much! I asked Jesus if he missed being at work and he said yes. He said he feels bored at home because he doesn't get to use his brain to change a diaper or make a bottle. I believe those are valid feelings to have. I went on to argue that those things of changing a diaper and making a bottle are things that are helping to raise this little person. I'm an online teacher and I know that there are families I work with that appreciate me and I appreciate them and I am grateful for the experience of teaching online and taking a break from the classroom. However I have to be honest...there is a substitute filing in for me right now and I don't think there is anything that I did that she can't do. I feel easy to be replaced in my position there and that's what makes me feel not as needed. I feel appreciated but not absolutely needed if that makes sense. When I taught in the classroom in the inner city, I felt more needed there. Maybe it was the face to face interaction or the struggles I defeated but I felt that those kids needed me and I needed them and I knew that it took a special personality to handle the pressures there. I still miss those kids today because of the strong relationships we were able to build and although I left that job because of all the disciplining I had to do, I felt like I had a part in raising those children. This is similar to how I feel at home with Joaquin. I feel needed. I need to be there to raise him and see him learn things like how to smile or see him realize he has hands and feet! Later in our car conversation I heard Jesus tell me what a strong grip Joaquin had as he held dad's hand while they sat in the back together. Those are the kinds of things I enjoy being home for! I too have felt that strong grip of his grow. I am returning to work in February and will send Joaquin to daycare and can only imagine the way my heart strings will pull. I am grateful for our pediatrician who has already told me that I don't need to feel guilty for sending my child to daycare and she said we'll talk more about it as the time draws near. On a side note, our pediatrician has been amazing so far! She is so understanding of every mother's differing circumstances. She also comes off so incredibly educated. She taught me not wake up in the night for every sound Joaquin makes and to only get up to feed him if he is crying all out for 2-3 minutes. She also admitted to not being able to do that with her own children. Although I am not perfect at this technique, I have been trying and it really has gotten Joaquin (and his parents) to sleep for longer stretches. I've included a photo of Joaquin and I on Christmas showing how much I love this little guy. How can I miss being at work with him in my arms?!
